Out of my Mind
by dawneh
Summary: What goes on in the minds of four people caught up in the middle of confused love? A night in the Dog with John Paul, Craig, Sarah and Spike


Location: The Dog in the Pond, Hollyoaks

Present: John Paul McQueen, Craig Dean, Sarah Barnes and Spike

Four people, three relationships, two betrayals, one secret.

She looks so beautiful tonight. I really do love her. The way she looks, the way she sounds, the way she smells, the way she tastes, god the way she tastes, the way she feels in my arms. Everything about her is just perfect. I never thought in a million years that I'd get someone like her. And her she is… her hand feels so soft in mine.

I love her so much; I don't ever want to risk losing her again.

But when I see him touching John Paul like that I just want to scream. I want to pull him away and tell him to get his hands off.

I know I've got no right to feel this way, but John Paul's mine and I hate having to share him… especially with Spike.

I just want to kiss him right now… to take him upstairs and show him how much he means to me.

Christ do they HAVE to put their heads together like that… damn I think I just hurt Sarah's hand.

Stop looking at them, just have a drink and everything will be fine. Or at least I can pretend everything is fine. I seem to be getting good at pretending these days.

Craig's been acting so weird lately; I wish he'd tell me what the problem was. He can be so sweet and then he just changes for no reason.

The way he looks at Spike, like now, it's as if he really hates him and I don't know why, Spike's great. I guess he's still having trouble accepting that his best mate's gay, you think he'd be used to it by now.

Spike and John Paul look so cute when they put their heads together like that. Ouch, did he HAVE to squeeze my hand that hard?

Maybe Craig just doesn't like sharing his mate, although he never seemed to mind when it was Hannah... it must be the gay thing I suppose, I just wish he'd make more of an effort

I don't know how long John Paul's gonna put up with his behaviour, I don't know how long I can. If I didn't love him so much I would have walked away a long time ago

But at least everything seems OK tonight; he's behaving himself, almost like the old Craig. Either that or he's just pretending.

When did this all get to be so complicated? First I fall for Craig only to get the shit kicked out of me… then I meet Spike and just as everything seems to be going well there is Craig again. Not that I ever stopped loving Craig… not sure that I ever will.

But Spike is so great, he's just the sort of man I need, the sort of man I'd like to be. When it's just us it can be wonderful, he can be so gentle, so sexy… and then I see Craig, or he calls, and all I can think of is how much I want him.

I can feel Craig watching us as Spike whispers to me. Part of me likes that Craig is jealous, it means he cares … right? I wonder, does he like that I'm jealous of Sarah?

I want to kiss him so much right now. What would happen if I did? If I just stood up right now and grabbed hold of him. Would he push me away or would he kiss me back? Who am I kidding, Craig's never gonna tell anyone about me. I'll always be his dirty little secret. And I either live with that or I walk away… and we both know that I can't walk away.

So I'll just sit here with Spike, paint on a smile and act like everything is normal. Just how long do we have to carry on pretending?

John Paul's eyes are so gorgeous when he looks at me like that. If I'm not careful I could fall in love with him.

He's hiding something from me I just know it. I wish he could just be honest and tell me, give me the chance to walk away before it's too late. But he says nothing so I stay here with him.

He smells so good when he leans in close like that, I just want to kiss him. Craig is really giving me the evils right now, is it John Paul being gay that bothers him so much, or is it just me?

I wish you'd tell me what your secret is John Paul.

Sometime it's like you're completely mine, here with me and no other distractions. And then Craig calls, or smiles and I lose you. I know you said what you felt for him was gone but when I see the way you look at him I have to wonder.. Is he your secret? Maybe I'm just being paranoid but I cant help wonder if what you felt for him is stronger than you said, and when he looks at you like that it seems that he feels something for you too.

But you don't say anything and I don't ask. So we sit here around this table and all smiles and we pretend. How long do we go on pretending?


End file.
